* Sunday, December 19, 2004*

im finally back...
back frm china hunan changsha zhuzhou yanlin..
2 weeks went by just like tht.
seems like all that happened e past 2 weeks was a dream..
a very very long dream...
and now i am zapped back into reality...
it was reali a fruitful trip.
tis trip had reali widened my scope n perspective of many things and of many people...
of others n of myself.

and now im back home in my own room...
"..it feels like home to me..feels like home to me... "
but now im feeling super hyper n awake..
despite it being 4am in e morning...
hadnt slept well for e last few days...
thought abt many things...
realised many things i'd never did before..

thought abt so many things on e journey back...
it was a long lonely ride home.
i was literally left alone.
i felt so lonely.
it was especially emotional when jars of clay was played on the bus on e way to changsha.
for so many reasons
i felt my heart crying out.
crying out so hard.

juz like e poem deng ting wrote.
parting was so hard.
wish it was easier.

a part of me wish i can still be in china with - deng ting, ye sha, xiao nai, zhi gang, guo tiao, lil chilli, xiao bu dian, class 222, liu ling, hong yong, xiao qiang, zhang feng, deng rong, ah pan, huang hui, zhuo li and many many more...although u all may not see this but i still want to say tht u had a big impact in my life n my trip to yanlin tis time.. thank you for this friendship.. you left me a beautiful memory. sth so precious tht no money can buy.
thank you.

i feel so so guilty.. e present tht class 222 gave me broke in half.. i am totally devastated..
dun understd why it broke la... i hate myself for always being so careless...
argh..hopefully my bro can help me mend it back...as he promised...
well i guess some things tht are broken will never be e same again... no matter how hopeful i may be.. no matter how hard i try to mend it. but i guess its e impact tht it had n e influence on one's life matters most...
i felt tht e very people tht mean so much to me had turned their backs on me.

soo soo many things on my mind now..
i feel so lost in my world now..
felt reali reali terribly disappointed at some point in time during tis trip..
the loneliness was killing me..
n e desperate attempts to rid myself of e emptiness n boredom inside was wat made me unable to thoroughly enjoy tis trip..
i clearly felt unwanted, avoided, unloved and ignored.
it was a terrible feeling
i hated tht feeling.

was however very very glad tht both my brothers n parents picked me up frm e airport today.. though its past 1am.. he drove us all home.. for once i felt reali happy. well though it may be bcuz of e vodka tht i bought him.. well but nevertheless i found myself smiling on my way home..
it was sth i hadnt feel in a long time.

well its time to head for my bed tht was empty for 2 whole weeks...
i miss it..
miss you too.
~tas

Tas_anne @ Sunday, December 19, 2004